Don't you love us anymore?

Statistics was the monster that turned our house upside down. Because I tested out of the prerequisite for the class I wasn't savvy with the sophisticated calculator required for Stats, and I spent half of my daily three hours of study frustrated at that high-tech tool. Suffering through the homework, I would sit on the couch with my books and papers all spread out---making it "impossible" for me to move from that position. Every few seconds I would emit a sigh or a groan, which I was not aware of until my husband sympathetically commented about it. Frequently my spouse or a child would walk by unacknowledged, but I was engrossed in my miserable quest and determined to not let it beat me.

After a couple weeks of this scenario came the bomb: "We feel you love Statistics more than you love us." Everyone in the family concurred. I was ambushed. I felt I couldn't win with Statistics, and I certainly wasn't winning at home. So, I had to implement a new battle plan. I had to stop studying so much or lose my family. The second choice wasn't an option. So, I stopped studying so much. Ironically, I earned an A- in the class, but I adopted a far more winning attitude.

First, I care more about what I am learning than the grade I am earning. If I am learning well, the grades will follow. I seldom do extra credit because that takes more time from the family. It's fine to get an A- instead of a high A. What difference will it make whether I have super high grades? If I am knowledgeable it will show.

What does this have to do with enjoying your teenagers? It shows them that if I'm willing to put down the books for them, they must be really important to me. Countless times I have forsaken my passion for learning to show my passion for my loved ones---and they feel it. They know it is a big sacrifice for me, but somehow it all works out.

Whatever might be taking you away from your family needs to be re-evaluated. Consider the big picture. In the long run what will matter most? Choices are easy when we have clear priorities.

Have a life, but make sure your family is the biggest part of it.

Apologize once in a while

"It's your turn to suffer!" my son said as my white-knuckled hands clench the security bar. In a moment I would be thrust straight up, down, and then twisted around at what felt like super-sonic speed. The reason I was in such a predicament is because I am human. I am a mommy, and inherent in mommy-hood is a fair share of regrets and what ifs. This act of jeopardizing my life was a type of apology.

It is important to apologize to children as a measure of good emotional health for them and for you. What I am not talking about is letting your children rule the roost, with you groveling under their dominion. What I am talking about it a healthy parent-child relationship composed of two imperfect people who are helping each other pass through life's lessons. This will require apologies on both sides at times.

Young children tend to think of their parents as gods. Because they are so dependent on parents, their source of everything is usually you. However, when you do make mistakes, they "feel" something is wrong, even if they can't identify it. Since children look to you as an example of how to live an effective life, they will need to know how to deal with repairing mistakes, which inevitably come in life.

When a parent apologizes, it shows children that it's OK to acknowledge errors and that a person is still good even if they make mistakes. In other words, it is a huge life skill to realize you are OK in spite of inevitable errors. Apologizing to children on occasion reinforces this skill and can heal the relationship.

That summer day when my young adult son was gloating over my grief was perhaps a moment of healing. I had apologized to him at times throughout his youth, but on that day I had offered to go on the scariest amusement park ride of his choice if he would forgive me of all the "mommy" stuff I had done to hurt him. Let's just say his joy was apparent.

Teach life skills and heal relationships by apologizing to your kids.

Breathe their air

Christian graduated from high school and a month later was in Marine Corps boot camp. He was allowed to write us each week, but for 13 weeks it was a heck of a way to cut the apron strings. It wasn't just being apart that was troublesome. It was knowing he was being mistreated on purpose, with his own permission. He was very well prepared for boot camp, and may have been the top recruit---except that he got sick. He was sick for several weeks during training, but still mushed through---he didn't want anything to do with "medical." For the first month of his absence I couldn't eat; I couldn't sleep. It was awful.

After he returned home I would find ways to nonchalantly be in his space. He's a rather private person, and were I to go up to his chamber (bedroom) it might throw off his groove. But whenever he came to a living area I would magically appear. While munching his cereal he would ask what I was doing. "Just breathing your air," was my reply. I would find all different ways to be in his space without going to his space. It filled my soul.

He left several times for more training, returned on furloughs, and it was a year and a half of him being gone, and returning for short stints. Finally he found himself in Afghanistan for several months. I feel I was spiritually carried through that time. He returned in one piece, but I could tell he was shell-shocked. When I saw him for the first time since the previous year, I hugged him and wept for several minutes, not realizing the toll the experience had had on both of us.

When he came home we wrapped our arms and hearts around him and helped him decompress. Then he continued his life plan, which included service as a missionary. Now he is in Australia, serving as a volunteer missionary for our church. He is very far away, and again, all I get is a weekly letter.

Enjoy your children while they are home. Breathe their air. Enjoy the good times and the challenges. When they grow up their problems get bigger---they marry, have kids and your problems (and joys) expand right along with theirs. Find ways to enjoy your teenagers. They are nearly adults, but just shy enough of adulthood to think they know something. Let them think they know something. They'll need that ambition to get out on their own.

Just love them. Breathe their air.