Don't you love us anymore?

Statistics was the monster that turned our house upside down. Because I tested out of the prerequisite for the class I wasn't savvy with the sophisticated calculator required for Stats, and I spent half of my daily three hours of study frustrated at that high-tech tool. Suffering through the homework, I would sit on the couch with my books and papers all spread out---making it "impossible" for me to move from that position. Every few seconds I would emit a sigh or a groan, which I was not aware of until my husband sympathetically commented about it. Frequently my spouse or a child would walk by unacknowledged, but I was engrossed in my miserable quest and determined to not let it beat me.

After a couple weeks of this scenario came the bomb: "We feel you love Statistics more than you love us." Everyone in the family concurred. I was ambushed. I felt I couldn't win with Statistics, and I certainly wasn't winning at home. So, I had to implement a new battle plan. I had to stop studying so much or lose my family. The second choice wasn't an option. So, I stopped studying so much. Ironically, I earned an A- in the class, but I adopted a far more winning attitude.

First, I care more about what I am learning than the grade I am earning. If I am learning well, the grades will follow. I seldom do extra credit because that takes more time from the family. It's fine to get an A- instead of a high A. What difference will it make whether I have super high grades? If I am knowledgeable it will show.

What does this have to do with enjoying your teenagers? It shows them that if I'm willing to put down the books for them, they must be really important to me. Countless times I have forsaken my passion for learning to show my passion for my loved ones---and they feel it. They know it is a big sacrifice for me, but somehow it all works out.

Whatever might be taking you away from your family needs to be re-evaluated. Consider the big picture. In the long run what will matter most? Choices are easy when we have clear priorities.

Have a life, but make sure your family is the biggest part of it.

Apologize once in a while

"It's your turn to suffer!" my son said as my white-knuckled hands clench the security bar. In a moment I would be thrust straight up, down, and then twisted around at what felt like super-sonic speed. The reason I was in such a predicament is because I am human. I am a mommy, and inherent in mommy-hood is a fair share of regrets and what ifs. This act of jeopardizing my life was a type of apology.

It is important to apologize to children as a measure of good emotional health for them and for you. What I am not talking about is letting your children rule the roost, with you groveling under their dominion. What I am talking about it a healthy parent-child relationship composed of two imperfect people who are helping each other pass through life's lessons. This will require apologies on both sides at times.

Young children tend to think of their parents as gods. Because they are so dependent on parents, their source of everything is usually you. However, when you do make mistakes, they "feel" something is wrong, even if they can't identify it. Since children look to you as an example of how to live an effective life, they will need to know how to deal with repairing mistakes, which inevitably come in life.

When a parent apologizes, it shows children that it's OK to acknowledge errors and that a person is still good even if they make mistakes. In other words, it is a huge life skill to realize you are OK in spite of inevitable errors. Apologizing to children on occasion reinforces this skill and can heal the relationship.

That summer day when my young adult son was gloating over my grief was perhaps a moment of healing. I had apologized to him at times throughout his youth, but on that day I had offered to go on the scariest amusement park ride of his choice if he would forgive me of all the "mommy" stuff I had done to hurt him. Let's just say his joy was apparent.

Teach life skills and heal relationships by apologizing to your kids.

Breathe their air

Christian graduated from high school and a month later was in Marine Corps boot camp. He was allowed to write us each week, but for 13 weeks it was a heck of a way to cut the apron strings. It wasn't just being apart that was troublesome. It was knowing he was being mistreated on purpose, with his own permission. He was very well prepared for boot camp, and may have been the top recruit---except that he got sick. He was sick for several weeks during training, but still mushed through---he didn't want anything to do with "medical." For the first month of his absence I couldn't eat; I couldn't sleep. It was awful.

After he returned home I would find ways to nonchalantly be in his space. He's a rather private person, and were I to go up to his chamber (bedroom) it might throw off his groove. But whenever he came to a living area I would magically appear. While munching his cereal he would ask what I was doing. "Just breathing your air," was my reply. I would find all different ways to be in his space without going to his space. It filled my soul.

He left several times for more training, returned on furloughs, and it was a year and a half of him being gone, and returning for short stints. Finally he found himself in Afghanistan for several months. I feel I was spiritually carried through that time. He returned in one piece, but I could tell he was shell-shocked. When I saw him for the first time since the previous year, I hugged him and wept for several minutes, not realizing the toll the experience had had on both of us.

When he came home we wrapped our arms and hearts around him and helped him decompress. Then he continued his life plan, which included service as a missionary. Now he is in Australia, serving as a volunteer missionary for our church. He is very far away, and again, all I get is a weekly letter.

Enjoy your children while they are home. Breathe their air. Enjoy the good times and the challenges. When they grow up their problems get bigger---they marry, have kids and your problems (and joys) expand right along with theirs. Find ways to enjoy your teenagers. They are nearly adults, but just shy enough of adulthood to think they know something. Let them think they know something. They'll need that ambition to get out on their own.

Just love them. Breathe their air.

Serve your kids' interests - Part 2

In a posh Manhattan high rise, I once interviewed for a nanny job. While I respected my interviewer's rags to riches story, looking back I take deference to why he was hiring a nanny. The nanny job (requiring a college degree) was not only to tutor the children in their schoolwork, but to serve as an advocate for their advanced development as individuals. In other words, if a child wanted to be on the football team, take saxophone lessons, be on the debate team, take 4-H, be a student senator, and climb Mt. McKinley, it was the nanny’s job to see that it happened---all within the child’s short adolescent life. As there were several children in the home, this would be, for certain, a massive undertaking. I actually think it would have been a fun job, but I don’t think kids need to be involved in everything (unless they are extraordinary---and most are not) to find what they like in life. In fact, I think that giving kids a healthy dose of down time is extremely desirable.

When I was in High School I would arise at 5:30 a.m. to go running. Regardless of snow, heat, rain, it didn't matter; I went running. Then I joined the swim team. That meant rising at 4:30 a.m. so I could have a dark-of-the-morning run and catch the early bus for swim practice. Sometimes I stayed up until 2:00 a.m. doing homework. I remember falling asleep in Chemistry class---and probably many others. I look back on that time as being unnecessarily burdensome. Through that and other long-term experiences with over doing it, I have come to believe that many times less is more. I am happy to give full devotion to one or two primary interests for each child, but beyond that it is superfluous. The good thing is that because I'm not hauling them off to multitudinous, useless practices, they actually have time to develop independent interests, many of which they can do right at home or nearby.

Kids need to be kids. Families need time together---at home, in a positive environment. This is rarer all the time, but is vital for health and wellness. What is not needed is a frenzied, artificial existent consisting of clubs, activities, awards and achievements. Moderation is key in a healthy life and a child's development. Serve your kids' interests. But keep a balance.

Serve your kids' interests

What? Serve your kids? Don't they get enough from you already? Well, to be honest, watching kids develop is one of the finest perks of parenthood. A newborn arrives all helpless and cute, but pretty much without personality---except for the degree of anger they show when hungry, tired, uncomfortable, etc. As time passes more individuality emerges and they become a lot more charming. As you know, I think teen-hood is the pinnacle of adolescent adorability, and during these years kids have a well-oiled set of preferences and interests. This makes life more interesting.

I learned about childrens' preferences first through Christian. When he was a toddler, I saw a gymnast in him. His father has the compact gymnast build and I saw our little Christian as a budding "Daddy." At an early age I took Christian to gymnastics lessons, but he seemed bored. Finally we dropped the program.

Later Christian wanted to do soccer. But even that interest waned in a few years. Christian's true passion ended up being skateboarding. And he's good at it. One day he skateboarded for eight solid hours; not worrying about the heat, food or pretty much any other care. It was so wonderful to see him develop his passion.

Beamer's long standing interest was flying. He asked me to paint clouds on his pitched bedroom ceiling. He wanted jet posters for Christmas. He built model airplanes. In ninth grade he joined the Air Force Junior ROTC. He had the opportunity to complete pilot ground school by age 16, but in the end his interest in flying waned.

Enter riflery. Now that has become his sincere interest. Sparing the details, he has hunted bunnies, coyotes, and elk. He enjoys target

practice and even convinced Stina and me to go shooting on a blazingly hot afternoon. Stina and I became converted to riflery after using his souped-up-user-friendly .22 helped us nail our targets. OK, so happiness can be found on a 100-degree-day in a barren dessert.

There are few physical things I would buy my kids to spoil them. But if they develop a legitimate interest in something, I will move the cosmos to support them. It's fun, and it's one of the best things about parenting. It's self-renewing because it's what they want to do. Serve your kids' interests; it may serve yours as well.

.

"Mom, I want . . ." Part 2

One of the main reasons I mentioned our camp out was to illustrate the lengths we sometimes go to for our children. Granted, it was good for all of us, and not totally a sacrifice, but it was the "princess" who requested it.

Unbelievably right after we returned home Kristina had another request. What? Another request? My mother-in-law tells the story of taking her eight children to Disneyland, lavishing them with every imaginable luxury and on the way home, such and such child wanted something else. What? Something else? She about lost it. Maybe she did lose it, but her eight kids did live to adulthood.

What do you think a fifteen-year-old girl wanted to do after camping? "I want to do driving," she said. Uhhhh. Stina just got her driving permit and has been very anxious to drive. Kevin and I, well, we've just been anxious.

Kristina knew I wouldn't be game for driving after a camp out. Not a chance. So she started working on Dad. Now, you need some back information. The last time the two of them went driving Dad was lecturing and Kristina was intolerant and Dad's last words were, "If you're going to drive in my car, you're going to have to be teachable, and until then you're not driving in my car!" (Huff!)

More back information. Kristina has spent years disliking Dad (and adoring mom), so their relationship has been tentative at best. Factor in driving---ouch! Well, they've made a lot of progress, but how Kristina finagled Dad into driving that night (after the camp out) I'll never know.

So Kristina drove with Dad to Grandma's apartment. They had a nice visit with Grandma. On the drive there and back Dad lectured; Kristina was humble. It worked out great!

. . . How she ever got her way after we gave her a camp out---go figure. "Getting my way is my first priority . . .." Sometimes it works out well.

Camp Kolob - A Family Experiment

This camp out was a test to see if a camping family, or any family can "long endure." Previously we've had some unsavory conflicts during camp outs, such as sour attitudes, complaints about the "girls," and a lack of willingness to camp at all. Yet there has been enough interest in the venture to keep trying. Camp Kolob was a resounding success and you can see some proof of that in the photos.